To Everything, There is a Season

I know that for most people, the beginning of the year is when they renew commitments to their health, exercise, or other things that they wish to improve upon. And sometimes, I have the urge to make changes then, too. But more often than not, my desire to make changes tend to flare around this time of year, in late summer, as children return to school. It is also when I celebrate my birthday, so I feel particularly drawn to make changes at this time of year. After all, the calendar reminds me that I’m not getting any younger.

Back in January 2019, I started Weight Watchers, now known as WW. I was doing the online digital plan only, and it was going well. I lost a total of about 50 lbs over the course of eight months or so, and then maintained it for several months. I wasn’t finished losing weight, but I wasn’t making a lot of progress. Then March 2020 started the COVID pandemic, and drove everyone into their homes, with very little socialization or leaving home. And I was truly miserable.

I am, by nature, very introverted. Even as I write this, Chris is out with work friends, and I am at home. He asked me if I wanted to go, but I really wasn’t feeling it. I’ve had a rough week, and I was just looking forward to being at home and not dealing with people. Back in March 2020, however, I was accustomed to going to work every day, getting out and running errands, going to my LQS for their block of the month class, and being as social as I wanted to be with family and friends, which is to say, not too much, but some. When we were all forced into our homes for what was supposed to be two weeks to “stop the spread,” I felt confident this would be no big deal for me.

And for two weeks, it wasn’t too bad. I happily worked at home, and was happy for the excuse not to spend all weekend running errands. But after two weeks, my mental health began to suffer, and I was miserable. I wanted to cry all the time, I was unhappy and feeling isolated, even though I had Chris and Travis was still living with us at the time. It was horrible.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve dealt with depression my entire life. Not life threatening depression, just the garden variety, I guess, but it’s still enough to put me in a place where I don’t want to do anything, I’m not interested in quilting, or going anywhere, or doing much more than watching tv and eating. And by April 2020, that’s exactly where I was. Over the next few months, I gained everything back that I’d lost, until I finally gave up even trying around the summer of 2021.

Looking back, even as I type this, I feel the weight of those first several months of the pandemic weighing on me. It was almost a physical pain, and it pushed me so far down the path of depression that I seriously considered talking to my doctor about it to try to get something to make me feel better. I think that anti-depressants are great for some people, but they are not for me. I don’t like the way they make me feel, and I know that my depression comes in waves, so after doing some research, and having a conversation about it with my doctor, we agreed that medication probably isn’t the answer for me.

I’m feeling better now, though I still have some dark days. I rejoined WW last week, and I’m making strides in getting back on track. I even lost three pounds this week. I am working hard to get myself back on track, both mentally and physically, because I’m not happy with the way things are right now.

We moved into this house in December, and we got to a certain point with unpacking and getting things set up and then we just sort of stopped. I think for Chris, it’s just a byproduct of being so busy at work, but for me, it was some of that depression creeping in. I am making a commitment to get something done each weekend, and this weekend, it’s to get the living area cleaned up and everything that’s not needed there, out. I also intend to get the artwork hung, make it look nice so that I’m not embarrassed when people come to the door. There are still a couple of boxes in there! Next weekend, my plan is to get our bedroom cleaned up and decorated, or at least start on decorating it.

And through it all, I am going to spend more time with my sewing machine. I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a YouTube channel, but I don’t know that people are interested in watching me quilt. Still, it might be a good way to continue to document my quilting journey, so I may consider it. I don’t mind if no one watches; maybe it will be useful to me down the road.

Let me know if you’ve ever experienced depression, and what you’ve done to move past it. I am always interested to know how others approach some times in their lives, and it’s well past the time to be embarrassed about such things.